Phone Skills

If you don't know me in real life, you may not know exactly how technologically inept I am.  The modern world and I aren't friends really.  I often feel like I was born in the wrong time in history.  But, I am glad that I'm living when toothpaste and dental hygiene are important.   However, my phone skills are a completely different story. And now I'm going to say something completely shocking in this day and age,  I hate my phone.

I used to have the cheapest most bare basics Walmart phone.  Until it died.  Reluctantly, forcing me to get a new phone. At which time I upgraded to the second cheapest most bare basics Walmart phone, which is actually less user friendly than the original one.  Anyone who texts me is also in hate with my phone.  But the list of people persistent enough to text me at this point is extremely short.

Originally, I thought I got a phone so my kids could reach me, you know,  in case something happened and they needed to get in touch with me.  However, the last person my kids are interested in getting in touch with is me. They wander our house with my phone in hand calling and texting their friends usually conceiving a plot to get out of Dodge.  Which is why at any given moment (like this one) I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHERE MY PHONE IS!

Annoying facts about my phone:

I can't receive photos or group messages.

I can't surf the internet.  So of course I can't facebook or twitter on my phone.

I can't see the little tiny buttons on the stupid thing without my reading glasses and because of this, every text is chock full of typos which makes me sound like I'm constantly drunk.

My phone frequently and spontaneously turns itself off.  Which requires I take the back off and the battery out, then put it all back in and wait about 5 long minutes until it warms up again.  Which means I could run across town, tap my friend on the shoulder, whisper my message in their ear in person before I could (in)conveniently text it.

I have a funny voicemail message my friends claim to enjoy.  Funny thing is,  I have no idea how to retrieve them. Ha.. joke's on you!  Unless it's actually on me...

I have butt dialed more people than I have ever talked to on that piece of shit. Yesterday's butt dial recipient was especially awkward, my ex-sister-in-law whom I haven't spoken to since she divorced my brother.  What is the divorce-phone protocol anyway?  Am I supposed to delete her from my contacts?  I don't even know how to do that.  Plus, I fear deleting a contact would mean I'd call them at least 3 more times.

Which brings me to the fact that I often don't even text my own texts.  The kids do.  Even though I've asked them a million times not to do this.  Although, it is a hell of a lot easier for me to just have them do it.  And remember my social calendar.

Why don't I just get a new phone you ask?  Because essentially, I'm used to living without a phone.
Plus, I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHERE MY PHONE IS TO TRADE UP.  That's why.  Those my friends are my phone skills.  Or rather,  lack thereof.