Au Naturale

I'm finally doing it.  Going au naturale.  I've wanted to do this for so long.  After all, I'm not getting any younger.  Something always got in the way of me just saying screw it  and just stripping down and going for it already.  Until now.

What would make me do this you ask?  Expensive chemical laden carpet shampoos that do NOT work.  And a dog who constantly pisses and shits on the off white carpet in my bedroom.  Yes, this is how I began my foray into all natural cleaners.  Completely and totally pissed off!  (Pun intended.)

I scoured the internet and found a recipe (I wish I could give the blog I found it on credit, but I didn't copy down my source.)  Luckily, I came upon this right before Bonnie and Clyde ran away and Clyde gorged on god knows what, returning home with bloody diarrhea.  Which was chased with volumes of  vomit.  Luckily, I already had all the ingredients stocked in my pantry.

Homemade Carpet Shampoo

• 1/4 cup lemon scented ammonia
• 1/4 cup white vinegar
• 3 teaspoons dish washing soap
• a little less than 1 gallon hot water

I had accidentally discovered a flat stove stop cleaner when I couldn't find that stupid expensive stuff in my cluttered cleaning cabinet.  

Stove top Cleaner

• Some baking soda 
• Some vinegar or lemon juice

Dude!  Why didn't I think of this sooner?  It's so easy and so much cheaper.  I feel like I'm sticking it to the man.  You know that guy on that cleaning commercial saying it's all natural and it's a family run company and shit.  Since when is nepotism good?

Bathtub Scrub

• Dash of baking soda
• Squirt of dish soap
• Squeeze of lemon juice or lime juice (if you're a citrus snob like I am)

I hate the smell of bleach and cleaners and this works (even better if you let it sit before scrubbing off) and bonus:  it smells  like a margarita.  I wonder if tequila and salt would aid in cleaning.  Or just in the fun of cleaning?

Glass Cleaner

• 2 tsp vinegar
• 1 qt water
• a few drops of essential oils, like peppermint or orange just to make you happy

I further get my happy on with my microfiber cloth.  And by making my kids clean the damn mirror with the disgusting toothpaste spittle on it.

Laundry Soap

• 1 bar of natural soap shaved in food processor (I prefer Ivory soap because it smells like innocence.  But that's just me.)
• 1 cup borax
• 1 cup washing soda
• (Use 1 tbsp per load)

I got this from my friend Lisa on facebook.  And after going to 3 different stores and texting Lisa to confirm washing soda isn't baking soda (it's not), I finally found the soda at Walmart.  Which I found ironic. To find the stuff to make my own detergent in order to avoid shopping at Walmart, well, I had to go to Walmart to get the supplies to do that.  It's all a big corporate scheme.  Let's stick it to them by totally buying the cheap washing soda there instead of the more expensive brands. That will show 'em!

Fabric Softener

• Add 1/4-1/2 cup of vinegar per wash load
• Add a few drops of essential oils, which totally aren't essential for this recipe to bring you to your happy place.

 Don't worry, the vinegar smell dissipates during the wash load.  But the oils just make laundry fun.  I promise.  Ok, maybe not.  But, let me just tell you,  my happy place smells a bit like bergamot.  That was until I found out it's one of the most expensive oils.  Just like ylang ylang.  And now I want to ylang ylang that bergamot like you wouldn't believe!

Automatic Dishwasher Soap 

• 1 cup borax
• 1 cup washing soda
• 1/2 cup citric acid
• 1/2 cup kosher salt
• Use 1 Tbsp per load
• Use vinegar as a rinse agent.

Guess where I found the effing citric acid?  Yup, effing Walmart!  I'm totally pissed.  Why?  Why doesn't Sprouts carry this stuff?  Why do I need to do the walk of shame to Walmart to buy these components to stick it to Walmart?  I don't think this is working out the way I planned…

Hand Wash Dish Soap

• 1 3/4 cups boiling water
• 1 Tbsp borax
• 1 Tbsp grated bar soap
• Essential oils for added happiness.  
• Heat water, pour over other ingredients until combined, let sit overnight.

For extreme happiness add child slave labor to wash pots and pans for you.  That's what Walmart would do.  You know it's true.

All Purpose Spray

• 1 part vinegar
• 1 part water
• A few drops of essential oil
• And whatever purpose arises.  And you know one or 100 will!  

So come on and go au naturale with me!  You know you want to!