I've always tried really hard to be the perfect mother. I know that just like unicorns and Barbie's disproportionate body shape, they don't exist. But, that doesn't stop my irrational quest for the title. Truth is, most days I feel like the worst mom ever. Or at least, that I'd rank on the Billboard top 100 worst mom's ever. Because claiming I'm the absolute worst would be a little cocky, right? Although, I do have the certificate to prove it.
I started this vicious cycle even before I was a mom. I had these delusions of perfection and when I fell short, I often resorted to self-hatred. Which I was really, really awesome at, by the way. Since life is chock full of falling short, disappointment and mistakes. This happened with some regularity. Which means I spent most of my time in the pit of self-hatred hell. It was toasty warm there though, so I set up a nice little tent and where I could stay for days, weeks, months, years. You know, as long as it took.
Even though I wanted to change, I rationalized, I was only hurting myself. And she's a total loser bitch, so she really deserved what she had coming to her. But, I was containing all these emotions inside myself, like a terrarium. Where it rains a lot, but hey, it's still pretty warm and comfortable. Only now, I'm a mom. And even if kids can't see self-hatred, they can smell it. Which is puzzling to me because they can't even smell dirty socks.
I saw all play out this week, when one of my kids made a mistake. Of the big, hurtful variety. And then made it even worse by covering it up. Because admitting it, would also be admitting being imperfect. Being human. Which I didn't allow them to see me be. Damn it! I totally f^%$&^d that up! This is all my fault. I taught them this. What the crap was I thinking?
In life, we all make a million, make that a billion, mistakes. There's no way to escape it. Trust me. I really really investigated this. The important thing is learning to accept that. And learn how to clean them up and make it right. With the person you hurt. And maybe even more important, yourself.
So, I've decided from here on out to be the imperfect mess I already am. I just know I'll be perfect at it.
No point in doing anything halfway, right, Marie?
ReplyDeleteSounds very familiar...hmmm.......;-)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a painful time, but also like some really good and important new learning is going to come out of it. As a child I never learned how to own up to a mistake/bad choice, how to ask forgiveness, or how to give it. It's still not easy1
ReplyDelete@ Roy-Exactly!
ReplyDelete@ Joy-I'm good at dishing it out, not so good at taking it!
@BOG-My kid did very well at cleaning it up with shockingly minimal consequences. I'm not sure if that's good or bad at this point...
I think you're too hard on yourself. Or too perfectionist in your worst-mom assessment. Because, let's face it, whatever we do as moms doesn't actually have that much bearing on our kids. I've got four, like you, and amongst these there are two who will lie, cheat, and do whatever necessary so they're not found out, even when the deed was just finishing the ice cream in the freezer without asking, while the other two will freely admit to any wrongdoing and give me a smile and do whatever punishment is asked of them. I would say I'm more of the kind trying to hide mistakes, which would explain the first two kids, but where did the other two come from? So I've learned not to beat myself up too much for the bad stuff my kids do. (And also not to pat myself on the back too much for when it goes well:-)
ReplyDelete@ Sine- You are completely right! And I too have the 2-2 kid split of utter honesty and complete disception. Which narrows things down quite a bit when things go awry.
ReplyDelete@ Sine- You are completely right! And I too have the 2-2 kid split of utter honesty and complete disception. Which narrows things down quite a bit when things go awry.
ReplyDeleteI think accepting responsibility for a mistake is something many people fail at. What's wrong with being wrong? That is how we learn for goodness sake...I have always been the type to accept responsibility and deal with it. Not because I am noble or anything, but because my mom could read body language and ferret out a lie in a heartbeat, and then the consequences were worse.
ReplyDeleteI learned a lot from my mom, most of which I wasn't grateful for until I was an adult. So hang in there, your rewards are coming Marie...