Valentine's Secret

Valentine's Day, that one day of year when you freely give away your heart. Unless, someone already ripped it out of your chest and shattered it into a million pieces. In that case, you're entitled to win the free give away of that big red heart filled box jam packed with chocolates at Walgreens so you can scarf them all down. Oh, and you don't even have to share it! This year, I'd like to reveal a little secret. I'm not the world's biggest romantic. So, don't go killing any roses for me.

But, in keeping with my plan to be the new and improved 2013 version of Marie, which is so much better than the 2012 version because I have upgraded from the +1.50 reading glasses, to the +1.75 pair. Not that I actually use them, of course. Anyway, my point is, I have decided to attempt something a little more romantic this year than last year's St. Valentine's Day Massacre. In other words, the bar is set really, really low.

So, I started where most women do for this occasion. Victoria's Secret. I feel like I'm cheating on GAP Body just going into the store. I'm not a girly girl. I firmly believe lace is itchy especially when its a lace thong. And I don't look sexy pulling a lace thong wedgie out of my ass. And I'm too old to pretend its comfortable. I also despise pink. Of course it's no secret that almost everything in Victoria's Secret is either pink or has some kind of bow or bling on it. Which would make me look a 14 year old prostitute.

Of course, she doesn't look 14. Because she's got a couple things I don't. Ok, a few...

So defeated, I headed to GAP body. Sure that there would be something really, really sexy in a nice non-pink breatheable 100% cotton. (There's not.)

It's not that I can't get in touch with my inner slut, it's just that she's gotten older. And as she's gotten older, she appreciates the finer things in life. Like being comfortable. And being in bed, asleep by 10pm.

What the crap am I going to do to make this day special and yet not spend $80 on something really uncomfortable I'm only going to wear for 2 seconds? And don't say you can do anything for 2 seconds. This is not the answer I'm looking for.

This is going to require thinking outside the box.

Ok, I've got it. I can use stuff I already have and dress up as a celebrity he thinks is cute. Like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Brown hair? Check. Brown eyes? Check. Sexy black lingerie recycled from my closet? Check. Huge boobs? Crap. Ok, this isn't going to work...

No. No. I've got it this time!

Brown hair? Check. Brown eyes? Check. Small perky boobs? Check. Same 100% cotton black tank top and cute stripy bottoms I wear to bed every night? Check. Reading glasses that make me look a little Tina Fey-ish in the dark from across the room with my head buried in a book right before I fall asleep? CHECK!

Yes, tonight honey, you can sleep with Tina Fey! And you know what I mean by "sleep with" right? Let's just make that pre-10pm, ok? Betcha can't wait for Valentine's Day!