Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Natural Instincts


All your natural instincts are wrong.  Ok, "all" is a bit of an exaggeration.  Let's say 90%.  And by "your" I mean "my".  Because your heart and the hope that lies there is an idiot.  Listen to your head.  And your head will tell you...natural products never work.  (Which is why chemicals were invented in the first place.)  I know because I've tried all of the them.  Ok "all" is a bit of an exaggeration.  Let's just say 90%.

Remember the herbal supplements I bought for my hair loss a couple months ago?  It's no surprise that they didn't work.  Well, it's not that they didn't work.  They might work if you actually take them.  Fact: 100% of the dietary supplements you don't take don't work.  Oh, I took some of them, but they  made me nauseous.  But, not nauseous enough that I didn't want to eat though.  Which is unfortunate.   Because then I could've had fabulous hair and maintain my weight with one magic pill.   But, since that wasn't the case,  I just threw them out.  Throwing my money away with it.  Again.

Lesson learned right? 
 Well, no.  
Of course not. 

Lately I've been thinking about my teeth.  Basically, everything I drink stains my teeth.  It starts out first thing in the morning with two very large cups of coffee.  Talking about going natural, did I mention I finally gave up coffee creamer several months ago and now drink it black?  Let me assure you, that was a hard won battle.  Anyway, after coffee, I switch to iced tea.  And then red wine.  Which is why I need to whiten my teeth. Because not having perfectly white teeth is unAmerican and can lead to deportation.  Making this a matter of urgency.

Now, I've done this all before.  Going to Walmart to buy white strips for my teeth that "may cause sensitivity".   "May", my ass!  My teeth are so sensitive to begin with that they cry at Lifetime movies.  And I don't even get the Lifetime channel.  What taping a strip of bleach to my teeth does is cause an unbearable searing pain that makes me remove the strip immediately.  Thereby doing nothing to whiten my teeth.  Throwing my money away with it.  Again. Which is why I've tried almost every hokey natural way (and some unnatural) I've heard of in an attempt to whiten them.

Swishing with hydrogen peroxide?  Tried it.  See searing pain above.  I've tried oil pulling, where you put a tablespoon of coconut oil in your mouth and swish it around for 10 minutes.  Was my breath any fresher or my teeth any whiter?  I don't think so.  But, I worried I was going to have the cheeks of Louis Armstrong, so I didn't keep that up very long.  Then I tried brushing with turmeric mixed with coconut oil and baking soda.  I know brushing your teeth with a yellow spice to whiten your teeth sounds counter intuitive.  But, let me assure you, it also tastes completely disgusting!  Plus, I only did it once and everything (besides my teeth) was stained yellow.  My lips, toothbrush, the sink and my shirt.

Then like a jilted lover given a second chance, I went back to white strips.  Oh...I knew perfectly well how it was going to end.  I've done this before.  But, my instincts told me to do it anyway.  Why do I listen to my stupid heart?  Which is why I have have of a box of white strips underneath my sink and my teeth still aren't the color of copy machine paper.  Because they're too harsh, bordering on abusive.

That's when I saw an ad on my IG feed.  How creepy are the ads that are targeted specifically to you on social media?  Marketers have so much information on you.  They know you better than you know yourself.  Because I told myself I wasn't going to buy anything that a marketer was manipulating me into thinking that I needed.  But, of course I did.  That's why I ordered this from Amazon.

Yes, brushing your teeth with black charcoal powder is supposed to whiten them.  Yup, it's also supposed to turn everything else, except your teeth, black.  I kinda feel like I'm back at the beginning again buying hope in a jar.  Wasting my money.  But, I don't even care because I'm just following my heart and it's stupid natural instincts.

2 comments:

vivici said...

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Pete said...

Vivici's incisive comment and impressive drug list notwithstanding,(I came, I saw, I shamelessly Viagra'd all over the place) may I suggest that you investigate harnessing the superb depolarizational power of Saltpeter to tame those touchy teeth? Five percent potassium nitrate in your daily dentifrice for a couple of weeks should suffice. Fixed mine! What's more natural than potassium, nitrogen and oxygen?

We certainly don't want you deported due to dingy dentition do we? Would they send you straight to England?

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