Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Fashion Trends I Like (On Other People)

Photo from Pinterest
There are actually a lot of fashion trends I like.  Not that you'd know that from what I wear, because I don't wear them.  I find that I like them better on other people.  Other women who are willing to put in the work and suffer the discomfort to pull them off.  I'll let them be slaves to fashion, while I remain a slave to comfort.

Let's work from head to toe.  Bangs can look so edgy.  Bonus, when you're in your forties they also  provide cover for the lines on your forehead.  Making it a very multi-purpose, strategic style.  Unless you look horrible in bangs, like I do.  I know because I had them in the late 80's and I looked like Michelle Duggar.  Which is why I'll never get them again.  Nor will I ever go blond.  Although I'm a fan of that baby blond that's almost platinum, but not quite.  I just don't have the personality to go with it.  Plus, I'm lazy.  I get my hair colored and cut semi-annually and even that exhausts me.  And that subtle cat eye look?  Have you tried it?  I'm convinced that women who get their black eyeliner to look the same on both sides are witches.  And while I love the colors that lipstick comes in (and ogle it at the store), I don't wear it because I don't look good in it.  Not only that, it makes my teeth look yellow.

Whenever I'm shopping and I see a poncho I'll always try to figure out a way to justify buying it.  But, I can't.  They give off such a whimsical, I'm-hanging-out-at-a-fun-fall-festival-where-there's-a-chill-in-the-air-but-it's-not-too-brisk vibe.  However, poncho weather only happens exactly 10 minutes out of every year.  And fall festivals are never as fun as you imagine they're going to be.  But, most importantly, ponchos are so incredibly impractical.  It's like wearing a big afghan your grandma crocheted for you and then dredging it through everything you touch.   It's much the same with the new bell sleeves that are so popular right now.  I bought an adorable bell sleeve sweater earlier this year.  And when I wore it for the first time I realized I'm also relagated to wearing everything I eat on my sleeves.  But, it is like a built-in napkin, so there's that.  And forget lighting candles in it, especially if the shirt is made out of a really flammable fabric.  Honorable mention: I also love white button down shirts.  But I don't wear them for two reasons:  I don't iron and I'd be sure to stain it with the first wear.   

Oooohhh pencil skirts, how I love you.  Except I don't live a pencil skirt lifestyle.  I live more of a twill capri lifestyle.  But, I don't like twill or capris.  And I hate shorts.  I hate them so much.  However, I love jeans so much that I wear them every day.  Even when it's hot and I hike.  I buy them in a dark wash and size up to account for shrinkage.  Then, I wear them until they're almost obscene: tight, faded with holes all over them.  That's right, I'm an old-fashioned girl, so I like to earn the holes in my jeans.  Also, why the hell is the inseam on women's jeans so damn long?  We're not all six foot tall long-legged Amazon princesses.  Which is why I often cut the bottom hem right off so they're frayed.  Which oddly, looks like it's trending right now.  I'd like credit for starting this lazy-ass trend years ago!

Oh I could make my short legs look longer by wearing heels I suppose.  I used to wear heels with pencil skirts to work back in my 20s.  And then I turned 30.  And then overnight, I stopped caring if I had visible panty lines while wearing my ass-hugging skirts.  And I realized life was far too short to go hobbling through it because my feet hurt constantly.  Plus, I never really could walk in the damn things anyway.  Partly because I walk really fast.  Which probably makes me look like I'm rushing to the ladies room.  Flats are the obvious answer.  I'd look like Audrey Hepburn in a pair of ballet flats.  I've tried.  And I don't.  The thing with ballet flats is you don't wear socks or you wear those thin, tiny no show socks.  Either way, my feet are always cold.  And when my feet are cold, they sweat.  (I know that doesn't make sense. Welcome to my world.)  So, if there's something that looks worse than me walking in heels, it's me looking like I'm race-walking in ballet flats while sliding on the foot sweat in the bottom of my shoe.  

And this is why I wear t-shirts, jeans and sneakers every day and have resigned myself to appreciating fashion trends on other people. 

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