I never thought I'd be this woman. But, I guess no one plans to be codependent. It just happens. Slowly. When we first got together, things were so good. Effortless even. I couldn't stop myself from falling hard and fast for his charms. He knew just what to do. Looking back now, it's probably because he'd done it before. To someone else. I'm ashamed of myself. I want to be a better example to my daughters. But, I love him. I love him so much, I'll take whatever he gives me. Or nothing at all.
I started to see the signs a couple weeks after he moved in. He didn't respect my things. I'd find them thrown in a corner. And his shit? He spread it all over the house. And yeah, I cleaned it up. He was establishing his dominance and control over me. After the first couple times, I finally got the courage to confront him about it. But, he didn't listen. And it didn't change anything. So, I cleaned it up. Again.
Then things took a turn for the worse. I started to see his jealous side. He didn't want me to leave the house, especially not in my workout clothes. Without him. He whined, carried on and guilted me. I knew something wasn't right. But, I ignored it. Justifying that he loves me so much he just didn't want to share me. Truth be told, it felt good to be so needed by someone.
But, soon thereafter his eyes began to wander. I wasn't the only object of his affection anymore. Even so, he had become even more enraged when any man so much as looked at me. Until one day it turned physical. It took everything I had to try to pull him off of the garbage man, who had merely graciously offered to walk my empty can back up our steep driveway.
He knew he had me the moment he first kissed me after deftly licking his penis when I didn't turn away in disgust. No boundary would be left intact. Any transgression or misdeed can be righted with just one look from those beautiful soulful eyes of his. That's what it's come to.
I know we need help to break the cycle. A professional. I want us to be healthy. But, he's got to want to change. But in the end, I love him. I love him so much, I'll take whatever he gives me. Or nothing at all.
No matter what happens, I love Clyde. Now and forever.